


i see both sides like chanel

by choichanhees (sunyoungs)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexuality, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 11:01:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15071798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunyoungs/pseuds/choichanhees
Summary: five times lee jaehyun has to affirm his bisexuality, one time he doesn’t.





	i see both sides like chanel

**Author's Note:**

> honestly idt i can explain this besides i was bored during my break @ work yesterday and just started writing.. don't expect much this was mostly written then and on my commute home ksjsks
> 
> title is from chanel by frank ocean!! the 3rd part is inspired by this [tweet](https://twitter.com/STOPFLEXIN/status/1003741403195805697) that literally made me scream

 

**1\. (to himself)**

 

He thinks he’s about six, when his subconscious first realizes.

Looking back, it should’ve been obvious, what with his obsession with _Tuxedo Mask_ whenever his sister would force him to watch Sailor Moon, or his brief middle school fixation with 2PM, but it never really registers.

Heteronormativity is a scary, scary thing.

Which is why, he — Lee Jaehyun, age twenty — is having his first sexuality crisis _well_ past most.

Well, less crisis and more _full-out breakdown_.

Picture this:

He goes through the entirety of high school, all three years, the pinnacle of a Bro’s Bro — all the guys want to befriend him, to _be_ him, confessions are thrown his way left and right.

It’s heaven.

Or, he _thought_ it to be at the time.

He’s popular, yes, but his popularity is overblown by him seemingly being a Conventionally Attractive Straight Dude.

Lee Jaehyun knows who he’s expected to be in high school, knows what he ought to do to keep his place among the school’s elite — once he’s on top, he knows how to keep it that way.

That particular skill does not convey the same importance afterwards. It’s pretty useless, really.

University is a whole new world.

(Both figuratively and _literally_. Incheon is no Seoul.)

Thus, him freaking out over the _Maybe Not Being Straight_ thing.

It never really occurs to him, until now, which is a pretty ignorant assumption to make about yourself.

Sure, there have been times — both during high school and since then — he might’ve stared at an ass, regardless of gender, suspiciously _too_ long. An ass was an ass, though, right? _Right?_ Equal opportunity and all that.

But here he is — questioning his entire existence — because he was kissed by a guy.

His first reaction, post-enjoying-the-kiss (and maybe kissing back, just a little), had been to repress it all, deny it, to fake it till he makes it. Evidently, that doesn’t work too well. His brain has a mind of its own, apparently, choosing to analyze his interactions with literally _everyone_ — _am I attracted to this guy?_ He’d muse, _how about her? Is both even possible?_

(Kim Younghoon, a friend and the catalyst of aforementioned breakdown, sends him a few links about _deconstructing heteronormativity_. They don’t speak of Jaehyun avoiding him for _two entire weeks_ mid-crisis. Jaehyun is mostly surprised his friend’s brain is capable of processing anything besides illustration-filled manga.)

The websites are helpful, make him feel less like a trainwreck and more normal, _accepted_.

After more reading than he’s done for any of his classes that semester, Jaehyun finds himself thinking _huh._ He isn’t particularly attracted to Younghoon — the kiss was more pleasant than heart-thumping, butterfly-inducing — but the idea of kissing him again isn’t exactly terrible. He’d do it again, out of sheer boredom, the same way he’d never reject the prospect of making out with a cute girl.

_Huh._

The last thought he has, before succumbing to a dreamless sleep, merely involves the repetition of the word _bisexual_ , over and over, like a mantra.

 

* * *

  

**2\. (to his friends)**

 

In retrospect, Jaehyun never expects his first time coming out to his friends to be an _event_ , but it shouldn’t have been underwhelming.

A good medium would have sufficed.

He’s sharing a new-found part of his identity, he deserves more than three non-reactions.

Sure, he suspects Younghoon already knew, even with the continued radio-silence from Jaehyun’s end, but _still_.

They’re at Sangyeon’s apartment — he’s the eldest, the only one living outside the dorms, and has begrudgingly accepted his hosting obligations — right after seeing the latest _Avengers_ film. There’s obnoxious chatter all around, four boys speaking on top of each other with no regards to volume or neighbours.

Jaehyun decides to blurt out his — not admiration, not respect, but _understanding_ of Thanos’ character arc.

He gets three bewildered stares.

Juyeon speaks first. “Almost three hours of Iron Man — _Iron Man_ — kicking ass and you go for the pro-genocide villain?”

His eyes narrow.

(Jaehyun can’t believe he was _infatuated_ with him, once upon a time; when Juyeon was less of a fake-deep friend and more of a gorgeous concept. It was really over the second he opened his mouth.)

“You know that’s _not_ what I mean—” He starts, before getting cut off by Younghoon.

“Stop eating Barney’s evil twin’s ass, then.”

Jaehyun turns to Sangyeon, fixing his eyes on him — Puppy Dog Eyes and all — as if to say _back me up here_.

Sangyeon does not, in fact, back him up.

“Sorry,” he says, unapologetic.

Jaehyun groans. “I _hate_ you all. Never speak to me again.”

The three pick their conversation back up, as if Jaehyun isn’t in the room, gushing about the _plot_ and the _effects_ and _did you see Zoe Saldana?_ (Sangyeon and Juyeon) rebutted by _did_ _you_ _see Chris Evans’ ass?_ (Younghoon).

It becomes a playful squabble, his friends competing over which _Infinity War_ lead is the most attractive.

Jaehyun, then, decides to speak up.

“Stop arguing,” he mutters, not looking up from his phone. “they’re _both_ hot.”

Unbeknownst to him, he’s being stared at, for the second time that night.

“What?” Jaehyun says, when he finally looks up.

There’s a terrifying grin on Younghoon’s face, Sangyeon just shrugs, Juyeon, however, looks as blank as ever.

“ _What?_ ” He repeats.

Only then does it register.

 _Fuck_.

His life is a joke. He really just, as casually as he could have, came out to his closest friends.

Part of him is relieved — that he got it over with, the other half _demands_ a do-over.

(Later, much later, when _early morning_ is more appropriate and both Sangyeon and Younghoon have long-since passed out, Juyeon turns towards him, a thoughtful pout on his face. “So,” he whispers, before pausing. Jaehyun can tell he’s deep in thought, planning his next words carefully. “You like both, right? Guys and girls?” The question is posed so _innocently_ that Jaehyun physically can’t suppress his snort. He thinks _yeah, wouldn’t be romantically interested in you in a million years_ , before giving Juyeon his back and falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

**3\. (to a random barista)**

 

It’s Tuesday — also known as Hellsday.

On Tuesdays, his schedule is filled to the brim: it starts with a Lab at 8AM and doesn’t give him the sweet release he _craves_ until 6PM that evening.

Jaehyun has some time to spare before his next class. So, he does what any sleep-deprived undergraduate student would do and makes his way to the campus coffee shop.

(That’s his first mistake.)

It’s a little past noon — _lunch rush_ — he instantly regrets the sequence of decisions that brought him here.

The line spans the entirety of the café, past the door, all the way to the sidewalk. Jaehyun can feel the impending headache. He surely won’t be late to class, it isn’t for another hour, but the possibility of standing here for _that_ long is nauseating.

He doesn’t leave.

After twenty-three minutes, he’s close enough to take a good look at the day’s specials — _half off cold brew_ , he reads. Good enough.

“Welcome to Lava Java, how may I help you?” The barista recites as soon as it’s Jaehyun’s turn, his voice flat. It’s a bit funny, the irony the question serves — the barista couldn’t look like he wants to help him any _less_. He doesn’t think too much of it, though; most of the employees are also students, he sympathizes with them.

Jaehyun gives a well-practiced smile. It’s known to be effective _at least_ seventy-nine percent of the time. “Hi. Cold Brew with a shot of Caramel, please.”

He gets a curt nod in lieu of a response.

(Sulky Barista is part of the twenty-one percent, then. _Noted_.)

The rest of the transaction goes as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Jaehyun thinks the service is good enough. He gets his drink within two minutes, the caramel drizzle is a nice plus.

That is, until he actually _tries_ it.

He has to keep himself from instinctively spitting it out.

Jaehyun likes to believe he’s a nice person, which is why he’s almost tempted to put on a brave face and drink the Cold Brew regardless. However, he’s running on very, _very_ little sleep and a grueling three hour lecture awaits him — his anxiety will take a backseat, for once.

“Excuse me,” Jaehyun tries.

Sulky Barista immediately spots him and raises an eyebrow. Jaehyun fleetingly thinks he’d probably be _cute_ without perpetual frown.

“This is a little bitter? Could yo—”

“You ordered it Black.”

Jaehyun scrunches his nose, pauses for a beat. “No?” He says, confused.

“Well,” Sulky Barista scoffs. “You didn’t specify otherwise. We’re not mind-readers.”

Now he’s starting to get a bit defensive. He sets the drink down on the counter, crosses his arms. Looking bigger than he actually is works wonders.

The barista laughs — _laughs_. “Is that your intimidation tactic?” He asks, honestly cackling. “God, I really needed that. First, the entitlement — now _this_. Straight men are a piece of work.”

“Straight?” Jaehyun grins, sharp. “Who said anything about being straight? I like dick, too.”

(He doesn’t get another drink. Still, the look on Sulky Barista’s face is better than anything caffeine could give him.)

 

* * *

 

  
**4\. (to hyunjoon)**

 

Heo Hyunjoon is, by far, the _coolest_ teenager Jaehyun knows.

Hyunjoon is also — initially — just a first year Jaehyun is tutoring.

Initially, because a week into knowing him, he decides he’s going to latch onto the older boy. Months later, he’s still around; he has an iron grip.

(Hyunjoon is having problems with his Statistics class, and as an Undecided major, he’s unable to drop it. Jaehyun is looking for a part-time job, but between classes and student organizations, his schedule isn’t too flexible. So, the university’s peer tutoring system sets them up. Despite the three years between them, they become friends. And if Jaehyun imprints on him, starts treating him as the younger brother he _always wanted_ but never had — well, nobody needs to know. Jaehyun dots on him, makes sure they meet up once every few weeks and Hyunjoon pretends to whine despite absolutely _thriving_ under all the attention.)

It’s been seven months since they’ve met, and this is by _far_ the longest they’ve gone without catching up — three entire weeks.

Jaehyun suspects he was being avoided. The nervous fidget to Hyunjoon’s fingers, steadily tapping against the table, confirms his suspicions.

He studies the younger boy for a moment, before asking. “You good?”

Hyunjoon nods once, twice, but stays silent. Jaehyun knows he’s on the quiet side, more of a listener than a talker — like himself — he can practically _hear_ his thoughts racing, though. He wants to help, but understands that he’ll need to approach this differently than he would, say, his same-aged friends. He needs to be empathetic, yet give him space. Offer an ear, but be careful not to pressure him.

“Okay,” he says, not wanting to push, to scare him into completely closing off. “If you _do_ want to talk, I’m here, but — until then, what were you saying about this place’s chicken?”

Dinner is uneventful, as far as their usual hangouts go. They eat, make casual conversation, Jaehyun asks about his classes and gets told to _stop mothering_. He eventually manages to make Hyunjoon crack a smile, though, so he counts it as a Win.

As he’s settling into bed that night, he gets a text.

He knows it’s Hyunjoon before he opens it — this is how he works, communicating indirectly — but to say Jaehyun doesn’t expect the content of the text is the _understatement of the year._

 _I like someone_ , it reads, before following up with _another guy_.

Jaehyun is relieved — both for the lack of failed classes mentioned and Hyunjoon _trusting_ _him_ with this.

However, he cannot deny the absolute sadness he feels for the younger. His heart aches, knowing the reason behind how glaringly anxious he’d been earlier. His so-called _mothering_ instincts are going into overdrive. Jaehyun wants to protect him, to be able to promise he can be himself — _like whoever he likes_ — without fear.

For tonight, he settles with sending a simple _me too. I like guys, too._

 

* * *

 

 

**5\. (to himself, again)**

  
Jaehyun is fucked. Screwed with a capital S.

Younghoon’s Links of Wisdom have not only failed him, but failed him _immensely_.

Accepting — and becoming comfortable with — his attraction to other men doesn’t even _begin_ to cover it.

He’s hit, face-first, with the realization that _feelings_ are bound to be involved, at some point.

 _What the fuck_.

Here he is, minding his Baby Bisexual Business, when his _good-for-nothing_ friends had to do the unspeakable and introduce him to Jacob Bae.

As far as he’s concerned, it’s the worst thing they’ve _ever_ done. There’s no concern for his well-being whatsoever. He needs new friends — and fast.

(Younghoon knows Chanhee — apparently Grumpy Barista isn’t _always_ grumpy — who knows Kevin, who knows Jacob. Jacob is new to Seoul and in dire need of friends.)

He’s being sacrificed, thrown to the wolves, all in the name of one Jacob Bae.

Beautiful, sweet, soft-spoken, kind, _cute_ , Jacob Bae.

Can play the guitar, Jacob Bae.

An actual angel on earth, Jacob Bae.

Looks unbelievably hot with glasses, Jacob Bae.

Allegedly likes guys, too, Jacob Bae.

Jaehyun maybe, possibly wants to kiss him _and_ hold his hand, Jacob Bae.

So, yeah — feelings. That’s a thing, apparently.

He doesn’t like it. Doesn’t like the influx of butterflies cage-fighting in his stomach if Jacob as much as _smiles_ at him, doesn’t like that his reflex is to _sigh_ ever-so-fondly whenever Jacob stumbles on his Korean, doesn’t like the giggles — fucking _giggles_ — that threaten to escape his throat because Jacob, well, _exists_.

Jaehyun truthfully doesn’t.

No, nope, never in a _million years_.

A quick Google search of _does having no feelings make me any less bisexual_ only confirms his perfectly reasonable theory.

He doesn’t like Jacob Bae — not in a gooey romantic sense, at least. His Baby Bisexual ( _stop saying baby bisexual_ , the mini Younghoon in his head yells) mind is playing tricks on him, clinging onto the first cute, emotionally available guy that waltzed into his life. He’s bound to get over it, the way he got over his cursed crush on Juyeon.

Jaehyun might want to kiss him, overwhelmingly so, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he _likes_ him.

Right?

_Right?_

 

* * *

 

**(+1)**

 

Naturally, denial goes nowhere.

Jacob is integrated into Jaehyun’s friend group, which grows, exponentially. Running into him — one way or another — is almost _expected_ , at this point, as is the stuttering of his heart whenever he’s within the vicinity of him.

(He’s a friend, maybe.

 _Definitely_ , a voice in his head corrects.)

Unfortunately, for Jaehyun, the infatuation does _not_ deflate.

It burns hotter, brighter every day, as if Jacob’s smile is single-handedly keeping it aflame.

His theory proves to be incorrect, it’s sad, should make him feel miserable, rather than warm with the thought of Jacob’s laugh.

(Jaehyun confides in Younghoon, once, goes on an entire _woe is me_ spiel before he’s told to suck it up — called _whipped_ , _fond_ , other disgusting words he’s hesitant to repeat.)

The phone on his desk blinks with a notification. His breath hitches.

 

**jacob bae (7:24PM)**

hey :)

meet me @ the park??

i’m bored :/ we can play with ppl’s dogs

 

God, Jaehyun is a mess. It’s almost unfair how _perfect_ he is.

He sends back a _yeah see you in ten_ , before changing into a more weather-appropriate outfit and practically running out of the door.

Jaehyun is waiting for five minutes when he finally sees Jacob’s silhouette in the distance, inexcusably pretty like the rest of him. He lets himself stare, just this once.

“Hi,” Jacob breathes, his cheeks flushed — from the _wind_ , he tells himself.

(Jaehyun is praying to every God he knows, lest he makes a huge fool of himself.)

He beams. “Hey.”

“Wanna sit on the swings?” Jacob asks around a hesitant smile. “Nothing like embracing your inner kid.”

A nod. “Lead the way.”

There’s a lull of silence, as they get comfortable, the rusty _screech_ of the swings settling between them.

Jaehyun sways experimentally, back and forth, back and forth, wary of getting too high. He knows Jacob suggested the outing with a purpose, but he can’t bring himself to worry, to let anxiety get under his skin — things are always comfortable with him.

Jacob shifts. Jaehyun is staring at him from the corner of his eye ( _be subtle_ , he reminds himself), when he says, “You’re Bi, right?” It’s a _statement_ , not a question, his breath gets caught in his throat.

 _Wow_.

Out of all the possibilities, this is one Jaehyun is probably expecting _least._

He doesn’t know where it’s coming from.

There’s a pause, heavy with words they’re both hesitant to say.

Jacob probably sees the astonishment written all over his face, because he continues. “Sorry. It’s just — Younghoon might have implied something?” _Of course he did._ “I didn’t want to assume. So..” He trails off, breaking eye-contact.

“Yeah.” Jaehyun croaks, before clearing his throat. “Yeah.”

Jacob pauses, slowly turns back towards him. “Yeah?” He nods, mostly to himself. “Me — uh, me too.”

It’s lost on him, where _Jacob and I are friends_ ends and _oh, I really want to kiss him_ begins.

Jaehyun should say something.

He _wants_ to say something.

He opens his mouth — and nothing.

For the second time that evening, Jacob has to read the complicated emotions coursing through him off of his _face_. Jaehyun never considers himself much of an open book, before this.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, again. Jaehyun hates how meek he sounds.

(In the end, it’s the final push he needs.)

“I really like you,” Jaehyun blurts out, smacking a hand against his mouth in shock. “I mean.. Yeah,” he continues, voice a bit muted. “I really, _really_ like you.”

It’s Jacob’s turn to gape, to silently open and close his mouth.

 _Me?_ He mouths. Jaehyun isn’t looking, though, opting to save himself the embarrassment and swig as high as he can.

He reaches a peak.

And jumps.

Jaehyun is forced to regard Jacob again, now that he’s back on the ground and without distractions.

He expects _pity_ , _rejection, sadness_ — not the, well, borderline _fond_ grin on Jacob’s face. He doesn’t know what happened between the silence following his confession and his impulsive (metaphoric) Leap of Death.

“Come here,” Jacob whispers. It’s beyond him, how something so _soft_ could sound straight out of a fantasy Jaehyun has never had. He’s going to _die_.

Jaehyun obliges, but takes slow, calculated steps.

“So,” he says, once he’s reached the other boy, his grin coy. “Two Bisexuals walk into a park. That’s a joke waiting to—”

Jaehyun shuts up.

Not on his own merit — the hand pulling against his shirt, the _lips on his own_ , prove talking to be a bit difficult.

 

**Author's Note:**

> yes i love my niche tbz ships... what about it


End file.
